When I first became a parent I was immediately struck with the most intense feeling of love and responsiblity. My sole responsibility on this earth now was to make sure I tended to my child's every need. Not want, but need. I loved her so completely from the moment she was born. Year One passed. Year Two passed. Enter Child Two.Year Three passed. Life was chaotic at times, but manageable and happy and good. Year Four passed. Enter Year Five. My world as a parent all of a sudden has been turned upside down.
Is it the Pre-kindergarten-ness of my first born. Maybe hormones? Who knows. All I know is that my ability to cope is fading. I'm feeling like a failure in the parent department. Big time. My fear that Mazzy and Maxton will grow up with a Fancy Nancy-sized list of Mom Worsts is my biggest fear in this entire imperfect world. I know this fear stems from the gigantic Worsts List I have for my own father. I blame him for so many of my flawed characteristics. My temper, my impatience, my need to CONTROL EVERTHING IN MY LIFE.
It's almost as if the more I focus on this fear, the more I bring it to a reality. I'm consumed by it. It is consuming me. I just sit there and fixate: every little blow-up, the number of times I don't "light up" when she enters the room, every time I turn on the tv to take the place of ME, everytime my son spits or hits or ruins the property of others. All I see is failure. Is this some delayed post-partum depression? Is it stress? Is this just the parent I am destined to be? What happened to the happy and content mama of Max and Mazzy? I see her every now and then. Sadly, lately, it's more then than now.
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What is your biggest fear?
