Filling in the Gaps

Some days are filled with tasks that involve cleaning up spilt milk from a sippy cup that had been crammed into the corner of your child's bedroom, hidden underneath a pile of dirty laundry for 2 weeks. Other days are filled with glorious sunshine-y days and the sound of blissful laughter spilling from your child's mouth. Then there are days that slip by in a blur of errand running and cooking, pick-ups and drop-offs.

I've found that being a stay at home mom gets harder and harder as the kiddos get older. I know my fellow sahm-ers (that term bugs me, no matter the fact that I still use it) may have differing opinions about this, but I adored the infant/baby stages. This whole "becoming your own person"  thing is a bit challenging  for me. My daughter and I have been butting heads and I've been in FULL ON complain mode.

Lately, the support of my friends has been crucial to my sanity. I depend on them for comfort, for support and for the occasional glass of wine or slice of pie (one of which is not so occasional). These friends have been in my life for many years and we all still live close enough to see each other a number of times throughout the year. Unfortunately, one of my girls is flying the coop and will be taking off for the Pacific Northwest. Before that time comes a few of us are going to spend what has become our annual overnight trip away. We're headed to Napa, California.

I treasure time away from the everyday grind more now than I ever did. It allows me the opportunity to remember who I was before becoming a mother, even before becoming a wife. These women have grown up with me, have helped shape the woman I am today. I see in my friends what I hope to instill in my daughter.

I was not gifted with the art of patience, but Alison was and she shares her secrets. I was not blessed with the art of speaking eloquently, but Ariel was and I can learn a great deal from her. I was not taught the importance of taking time for yourself daily and that moisturizer is indeed important, but Melanie is teaching me now. I have yet to learn how to listen fully without butting in every so often, but Sara shows me how it can be done. I like to complain my way through bad situations, and Erin shows me that it's possible to gracefully battle your way through hard times. And that talking does not equal doing.

It is my hope that I will continue to learn from these mighty women and that one day I will talk less and do more.

Hopefully my Mazzy finds her own group of girls to grow up with and learn from, God knows she'll need someone to fill in the gaps left by me. Because really, I'm still learning where to use a comma. And I still don't use moisturizer. And I don't watch the evening news or read the World Section of the newspaper because it makes me sad. And sadly, it is becoming ever increasingly clear to me that I'm Claire from Modern Family.



At Play

I look at these hands covered in multi-colored sidewalk chalk dust and start to feel, well, sad. She will be leaving our sidewalk for a classroom very soon. I'm. Not. Ready. Tears are forming as I type, that's how NOT READY I am. It feels like only yesterday that I became a 'Stay At Home Mom'. How did the time pass so quickly?

She will LOVE (pre)school. I have no doubt in my mind. She will make friends. She will gain confidence in herself. She will become even more independent. This is good for her. This is GREAT for her, which in turn is great for me.

(Note to self: Repeat last line 5 times a day.)

***

I love you Mazzy. I have loved our time at home together. Now, go have some fun without me.

Love,
Mama

Part 7

So, you see, my sister and I would have our own time with our friends when we were teenagers. Being twins, it was imperative that we have our own individual time with certain people. If we asked someone to stay the night, it meant they would spend that time with the "twin" that invited them. It was this unsaid agreement. Often it made the guest uneasy.  Of course they didn't want to ignore the other twin, right. But it was fair. My sister and I took turns "shutting the other out". We wanted some things to be our own.  My sister would invite her friends over to spend the night and it didn't necessarily mean that I could crash the"party". When she would come over to stay the night I wanted to crash. She was so cool. So fun.  She was pretty and listened to music that I wasn't familiar with. I always thought, "I could be her friend, too!".  I remember jumping on the bed to get a few minutes in before getting kicked to the curb by my sister.

Since then, I have developed a real friendship with her.

I admire her for so many things. She's smart and witty and FUNNY. She's honest and forthright. She's beautiful, and at times, demure.  She listens. I mean really listens. I feel lucky to call her my friend. And fortunate that I can't be kicked to the curb. I'm in.

And for that Ariel, I thank you.

Part 6

The past, at times, seem like the present. Especially when I wake up from a dream that she's been in.

She was a force to be reckoned with. Her fierce loyalty to those that she loved and her tremendous ability to forgive are what I admire most about her. They're what I remember most about her. Well, that, and the fact that she was beautiful. Just so beautiful.

I miss her. Her charm, her wit, her flirtatious nature that reeled us in and captivated us all.

She'd care so much about you, it would almost hurt.

And for that Mattie, I thank you.

Courage

I woke today with a bit of a start. Today is a big day for you. It's a day of new beginnings.  Today will launch you into a world you have never seen before and you will do so with grace and courage. I admire you more and more everyday for your resilience and focus.

Today I am reminded to push myself, a little harder. To be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I could also strive to be a better sister and daughter.

I look at my children's faces as I tell them what is right from wrong; giving them reasons to trust themselves when things are uncertain.  If I lack the confidence to push myself,  where and when will I grow as a person. We ask from our children that they enter into the unknown: trying new foods, entering new schools, going down the highest slide. We must do that for ourselves.

I'm thinking of  you today. You  are on that highest slide. Looking down it and taking a deep breath.  Good for you.

* This post is part of the Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge at http://www.steadymom.com

Part 5

What is it about those tiny little feet running toward you? You know, the ones belonging to your brother or sister? Those tiny little feet that aren't quite yours, but in a way you want to feel you have full ownership.

I experienced the joys of motherhood before my twin sister. Well, sorta. She was blessed with Austin, who may not be her biological child, but has been a part of her family  for 11 or so years, and is a son to her. But....that feeling of having a newborn baby cradled in your arms, knowing that she is fully yours to hold, to comfort, to adore. Can anything in the world top that overwhelming feeling of unconditional love? Well, yes, I'm pretty sure, for some people, there is. But don't try and convince a smitten mother of that when she's holding her baby for the first time. What an incredible and frightenly scary little being, all wrapped up into one tight little burrito, or, nestled into you, skin-to-skin, making you feel like you were put on this earth for this sole reason of keeping her warm. I'm so glad my sister was able to experience that feeling.

When I see her daughter, now almost 16 months old, I become overwhelmed with feelings of love. She has completed Erin's family. She has completed our family.

Little Harlie, Auntie Keri loves you.

Photo by Erin Wilson

Part 3

I have so many memories of her parent's house; the soft carpet,  prestine furniture, and super cozy kitchen are crystal clear in my memory. Let's not forget sitting up at the breakfast bar eating treats or toast. 

The friendship between us has always been very easy. Easy as pie.  We shared many of the same insecurities.  We shared many of the same vices. Still do. These proved very conducive to our favored late-into-the-night chatfests.

I often think of her as my get-away friend. Whether she lived in town or out of town. A person to go to when I need to relax and let off some steam. She welcomes me with open arms and an open bottle of wine. That's my girl.

She has this amazing quality to see just beneath the surface. She is perceptive and genuine. She is loyal. She is a friend in the truest sense of the word.

And for that Melanie, I thank you.

Part 2

Our friendship was built on matters of the heart: boys.

As we became young women we practically clung to one another, confiding our deepest, darkest secrets, admitting our failures, and trying our best to be reassured that life would indeed get better.

She left searching for something. I stayed. I had something keeping me here. When she returned we just picked up. Right. Where. We. Left. Off.

Years have passed since those trying days filled with uncertainty and fear of the unknown. Since then we have met the loves of our lives and have been blessed with beautiful children.

She has become the woman I always knew she would be. She is passionate about all that life has to offer. She searches for her own truth while inspiring those closest to her to find their own.

We have stayed true to those young girls. Without fail we fall right into our places - speaking on matters of the heart.

And for that Ali, I thank you.

"She" Series: Part 1

She keeps me grounded. She keeps me sane. She understands me like no other person on this planet. She gets me. She really, really gets me.

I don't have to explain or apologize for my misgivings. She has most of them as well. This is not an insult - just a fact. We grew up in the same house, with the same parents. We grew to cherish many of the same people. We were mostly there for one another through all of our rough patches. We both struggle with the same body issues. She gets me.

She is perfect company, that girl. She listens. She makes delicious food (total bonus!). She gives great advice. She loves my kids. She shares the same appreciation for sincere communication.  She values authenticity. She is, by far, the most authentic person I know.

And for that Erin, I thank you.