My friend, Ali, gave me some great words of advice when we were discussing some of our low points as parents: Think to yourself, 'This too, shall pass.'
Today has been maybe the most emotionally draining day for me in all of the 4+ years I've been a parent. Sure, the first few weeks nursing Mazzy was really very hard and emotionally exhausting BUT she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me.
Now, I know that is she four. I know that she's testing boundaries. I know that I need to let it go and be the "bigger person" by modeling compassion and patience. But oh my God this is the hardest job in the entire world.
This morning I vowed to have a good day. To have a smile on my face for her when she awoke and to try my darndest to give her the attention she so rightly deserves even though I'm feeling less than stellar, frankly.
This is how our day as gone, so far:
Breakfast: I take out the oats in order to prepare breakfast for her, Maxton, and Harlie. Mazzy immediately starts complaining, tearfully I might add, about the fact that I didn't place the bowl right in front of her on the counter (her and Maxton were going to help me mix the ingredients.)
Getting dressed: She asks which day it was, was it my day to pick out her clothes or was it hers? I tell her that it could be her day if she'd like. She said NO, that is was my day to chose (So why did ya ask me Maz? I mean, really, why bother?) So I dutifully I go and pick out an outfit. She promptly sees the clothing lying on her bed and goes into her teary complaining voice about how it's not her favorite outfit. I need to pick another one. I tell her SHE can pick her outfit then. And walk out the door.She continues to tearfully whine that I didn't choose the correct outfit. GOT IT MAZ.
Playtime: It's Monday and that means we do play-doh. Mazzy had filled a green farmed rabbit with her play-doh and asked that I remove it from the mold. I attempt to gently remove the rabbit, fearful of cracking the little bunny apart by prying too hard. Alas, I fail and the right ear is broken. Mazzy starts yelling at me and throws the rabbit across the room. I turn to leave and end up in Max's room, sobbing quietly. She follows me and proceeds to bang her fist against Max's bedroom door. I'm still not facing her and sob a little more and decide to ignore her behavior. In my effort to thwart her agressiveness I exit Maxton's room and enter the kitchen area to clean up the play-doh, because obviously we don't need anymore rabbits being flung across the room. Poor little bunny. As I'm cleaning up the play-doh, I feel Mazzy swatting at my leg. Actually she's more like hitting me in the leg. I know at this moment she wants to be aknowledged but for the life of me I can't decide, from the 28374263576237856732 articles on what TO DO or what NOT TO DO as a parent, if I should acknowledge her bahavior or just bend down and hug her because maybe she wants that. Needs that.
I decide to finish the play-doh clean-up . Then I turn toward Mazzy. She instantly bangs her head on the table because she has to pee but she refuses to do so causing her to flail and be all together annoying. Yes, annoying. Wait, back to the head injury. Of course she's upset, but, honestly, there was nothing left in me to hug her. I just didn't have it in me. Or so I thought. I sucked it up and hugged her for a total of 3.5 seconds and told her she was fine.
After I regain my composure I go to Mazzy and ask for a hug and a kiss and we embrace. She rests her head on mine. Peace, for a short while anyway.
Lunch: It's not quite lunch time but my son, who is a snotty nosed maniac, has been yelling, and screaming and pushing, and going head first out of his crib this morning. I have not been yelling, or screaming, or pushing. I have been crying. Crying because I feel like the ability I once thought I had to guide, quite successfully, the behavior of my children had vanished. I have not been guiding my children at all. They have guided me. I'm not a good mom. I'm capable when they are agreeable. I'm useless when they exhibit dependence and defiant bahavior. Who am I? I'm a stay at home mom and I'm failing. Big time.
I digress, back to lunch....so I prepare the grilled cheese and carrot sticks and grapes on plates. I place them on the table and put the kids in their respective seats.
Mazzy: I don't want grapes. I don't want carrots.
Max: No grapes, mama. NO GRAPES!
I try to ignore their complaints and focus on my darling niece who has endured this whole morning with us crazy people. She remains quiet, displaying delightful table manners, eating her carrots and cheese off her bread. I look at her and tears form in my eyes. I think to myself, Well, self, her parents are doing something right. Look at my children. Look at their behavior. What have I done to them? I leave the room to cry some more. When I return my son and my daughter are sword fighting with their grilled cheese. I say nothing, pick up Max from his chair and promptly put him in his crib for a nap explaining we don't play with our food for the 100th time. I return to pick up Mazzy and tell her that she needs to take a nap until she gets to go back to preschool. Right. That'll work, Keri.
Harlie goes down for a nap shortly after and now I'm here.
Mazzy just came out of room, obviously not sleeping, and whispered, 'I want a hug and a kiss.' I gently kissed her on the mouth and gave her a tight loving hug. She backed up and whispered again, 'I love you very very much mama. Now, what light is your favorite?'
Sigh.
You are not a failure. You are a loving and devoted mother who had (is having) a bad day. We all have bad days, horrible days even. Makes the good days even sweeter.
ReplyDeleteNext time, PLEASE take me up on my offer to take Maz to preschool. Sounds like you could have used the break today.
Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, love.
<3
Oh, Keri, you are an incredible mom. I have days like this....often, really. This sounds just like Livi or Grace on any given day. It makes me feel better to remind myself that they are just practicing what girls do best. drama!! Livi, who has certainly been my more obedient child, went through a really tough stage when she was about 4.5 where she suddenly started just screaming at me and chasing after me if I tried to walk away and would hit at me and kick at me. It was so bizarre and SO hard. I went through the whole - do I ignore her or just hug her? Neither seemed to work miracles, BUT the phase passed and, in retrospect, it passed pretty quickly. Maybe a month long?? Grace is much more difficult on a daily basis. I could type on and on and on. You are NOT alone! And you are such a great mommy. I mean, c'mon, Monday is playdoh day? grilled cheese and TWO servings of fruit and vegetables? You just keep doing exactly what you're doing. And have a glass of wine. You can call me if you ever want to talk girl drama. (or anything else!!!)
ReplyDeleteAli: Thanks for offering to take Maz today. It was very sweet.
ReplyDeleteStef: Thank you so much. It helps hearing from other moms. Thank you for your honesty, truly. Mazzy has been much more difficult these last few months and it's hard to not feel down on myself about it. Almost mourning the child she once was. Dramatic, I know. ;) But to know that you have seen the same from Olivia helps...to know that it may be part CRAZY GIRL STUFF. :)
For the record: Play-doh Monday started precisely 1.5 weeks ago, when we started having Harlie during the days. It's getting off to a nice start, isn't it? ;)
Gosh, can I just say 'ditto' to what Stef wrote? SO well said!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I know that many people find the phrase 'this too shall pass' to be such a cliche, cloying even. And, it's true, just saying these words to yourself is probably not going to help much when you're in the thick of a day like today. I do find it helpful though, when you have a quiet moment to yourself (ha!), to think back to specific difficulties you've had with your children in the past. Think about exactly how HARD it was when it was happening and then think about the fact that it passed and how GOOD it felt when you realized those days were done. Often these behavior "problems" pass without any real effort on our part. The child just grows out of it. We just have to be as kind as possible to ourselves and our children and just do what needs to be done to get through it in one piece. And forget about the Dos and Don'ts! Just do what feels right to you. And if you don't know what feels right to you, that's okay too. Children are resilient. Forgive yourself.
Ali, thanks for elaborating on our discussion from a few weeks ago. As you know, words don't flow easily from my finger tips.
ReplyDeleteWell said, my friend.
God, I'm doing that annoying thing that guys do: trying to "solve" your problem when all you really want is someone to commiserate with. Lame. My apologies. :-/
ReplyDeleteAli, please. We all know you are my therapist. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAND, forgive me for repeating myself (at length!). I had a lot of wine that night. ;-) Which reminds me, we need to plan another evening together.
ReplyDeleteLove you too.
I agree with all of this ladies.
ReplyDeleteKeri, you have the hardest job in the world. And the most wonderful children. You're definitely doing so much that is right.
Take it easy on yourself and know that you are so loved by us and your children.